A Loving Higher Power

I read an article today about Hurricane Katrina that bothered me. I do not believe the 2005 Hurricane Katrina was a punishment sent from God or any other higher power. I do not believe in a punishing God. It is hard for those that believe in a God to understand and explain why bad things happen to good people. It is also a point taken by those that are atheist or agnostic, that there cannot be a God that would allow so much evil in the world.

I believe that evil or bad things are caused by several things. One is that we ourselves can cause things to occur that are not necessarily what we want in our lives and the lives of others. Second others can do harm to us, themselves, and to others. The third cause I think is best described by universal laws of nature that have cause and effect. that must be followed. (i.e. If I grab onto a downed arching high voltage electrical line in the middle of a rain storm I may be electrified.)

These universal laws of nature or the universe have to be followed by all, even God. Now I believe God is omnipotent and understands these universal laws and can manipulate them but that he allows us all to have agency or freedom and chooses not to intervene in our lives the majority of the time. Like the laws of physics these laws govern the universe.

Storms, Hurricane’s, Tornado’s, and other natural calamity’s all have scientific explanations as to what caused them or how they occurred. Man continues to cause all kinds of travesties to themselves and others. If one believes in the Bible it could be argued that God has sent pestilences, disasters, and all manner of bad things to punish the wicked, but I choose to believe that is a rare or almost extinct practice. I believe God has the power to punish in that way but takes a more loving and forgiving approach most of the time.

Man continues to cause most atrocities. If we look at wars and other evils and how they came about I believe the majority of the time we can trace the source to a person or group of people. It is amazing the damage we even do to ourselves. I work in the addiction field and I watch the carnage and death inflicted by the disease of addiction every day. In spite of good intentions people loose their free agency to rationally choose what is good and right for themselves and others. Yes it is within them to take back the power, dig deep, overcome, and reclaim themselves as they gain ownership of their life and responsibilities again but for most part this is very difficult. The greatest tragedies in history are cases of men’s inhumanity to men. I feel it is wrong when people make the assumption that people deserve this inhumanity and the pain it causes as some sort of punishment or karmic pay back.

I can look at all the difficult and painful trials I have gone through and clearly see which ones I brought upon myself, those that were caused by others, and the trials that the universe presented as learning experiences. Now maybe God put those in my life. I don’t know? Maybe I could frame those as punishments, since I have been far from righteous, but I doubt it.

Good things come to those that may not deserve it, just as bad things happen to good people. Maybe its timing, maybe it is meant to be, but I believe most of the time there is a direct correlation from a causation by a person/group/entity, or a natural law of nature following its course.

Care-taking VS Care-giving

Care-taking VS Care-giving.  There are crucial differences between care-taking and care-giving and you will notice: the healthier and happier your relationship, the more you are care-giving rather than care-taking.

Care-taking and care-giving can be seen as a continuum.  We usually aren’t doing both at the same time.  The goal is to do as much care-giving as possible and to decrease care-taking.  Care-taking is a dysfunctional, learned behavior that needs to be changed.  We want to change so we can experience more peace, contentment, and better relationships. Intimates in your life may resist your healthier actions, but shifting to care-giving is a huge gift you are bestowing upon your loved ones. (Even when they do not see it at first)

The first step is identify loved ones that are care-taking you. (anyone in your life that you have given permission to watch over (Judge your decisions and or problems) Do you ask for opinions or advise in unhealthy ways? Do you ask or expect others to help carry your burdens, consciously or sub-consciously? Do you consistently go to the same people for help or support in a way that has allowed them to think you NEED them?. Are you giving them some control of your decisions or at least creating a dynamic of needing their wisdom instead of your own?

After you identify who is care-taking you, then ask yourself what role you play to keep that dynamic going. Care-taking is a hallmark of – and is rooted in co-dependency insecurity and a need to be in control, or give up some responsibility or control to another.

Care-giving is an expression of kindness and love, and is based on altruistic empathy with no expectation or ego based attachment to outcome. When we truly allow autonomy the other persons success or failure is their own and should have no effect on how we feel about the help, support, and love we gave or attempted to give.

Here are some key differences between care-taking and care-giving:

  • Care-taking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.  Care-giving feels right and feels like love.  It re-energizes and inspires you.
  • Care-taking crosses boundaries.  Care-giving honors them.
  • Care-taking takes from the recipient or gives with strings attached; care-giving gives freely.
  • Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
  • Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
  • Caretakers worry; caregivers take action and solve problems.
  • Caretakers think they know what’s best for others; caregivers only know what’s best for their selves.
  • Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for their selves, caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner wisdom and problem solving capabilities.
  • Care-taking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker.  Care-giving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver.
  • Caretakers tend to attract needy people.  Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.  (Hint:  We tend to attract people who are slightly above or below our own level of mental health).
  • Caretakers tend to be judgmental; caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
  • Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else; caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, “What are you going to do about that.”
  • Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises; caregivers respectfully wait to be asked to help.
  • Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their care-taking and focus on the problem; caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
  • Caretakers us the word “You” a lot and Caregivers say “I” more.

As with changing any behavior, becoming aware of it is the first step.  Watch yourself next time you are with someone and ask yourself where you fall on the continuum.  It will take some work to change and you may experience some resistance and fear in the process — but what is on the other side is well worth the struggles of transformation.

Remove yourself from being taken care of in kind ways, and learn to accept care-giving instead. (This may be from new intimates or from shifting existing relationships)

Become a Caregiver yourself. Give freely non-attached to outcome. Guide don’t direct, and ask questions to help others discover their inner wisdom instead of assuming they need your profound wisdom.

Traveling from co-dependency to in-dependency and then hopefully to interdependency in our relationships is difficult but not impossible. We all are entangled and connected. We all need to support and love and be supported and loved as we move through challenges and seasons in our lives.

Happy Care-giving;-) !!!!

Current Views On Addiction

The subject of addiction brings up many opinions and beliefs. These views on addiction can greatly affect ideas on what is addiction, if it’s possible to stop or recover from addiction, and what are the best ways to treat or overcome addiction if it is possible (Sellman, 2009). An addict, loved one of an addict, or a professional treating addiction has to wonder at times is addiction a lack of will power, a psychological or emotional issue, a chronic illness, a progressive disease, or a combination of all of the above?

Addiction comes in many forms but the process of becoming addicted and the progression of the disease has many commonalities that are better understood today than ever before. Whether the addiction is to a substance, a pleasurable activity, or a process the transition from a genetic vulnerability to a disease that changes the structure and function of the brain is similar in various ways (HMHL, 2011). First the desired subject/object/action stimulates Dopamine and other neurotransmitter activity and interaction in the brain, bringing about pleasure or reward. The speed and consistency of the result determines the strength of the connection made in between stimulus and pleasure (HMHL, 2011).  As this hedonic drive moves from desire to need the motivation to seek the pleasure is increased. Eventually this pleasure seeking mechanism becomes more of a compulsive unconscious obsession as the limbic system goes on auto pilot with the amygdala whispering heavily emotional lies about how great the pleasure really was. Even though tolerance has eroded the majority of the pleasure, many parts of the experience have become directly linked to the past pleasurable results that it triggers the frontal cortex to shut down and the limbic system to take over when triggered (HMHL, 2011).

Once one is in the trenches of addiction how can this all-encompassing subconscious automatic behavior become interrupted to the point of causing a shift in awareness or an epiphany that the strategy that once worked in finding pleasure now just brings them pain and sorrow (Sellman, 2009). When in the grip of addiction it is difficult to stop without motivators. This is not due to a lack of desire or will; it’s simply due to the fact that the majority of the pattern has become an autonomic reaction in the brain far from consciousness (HMHL, 2011).  You need to have awareness before ownership and transformation can take place. Because addiction is full of stealthy memories in the brain that have such strong emotional content that can be triggered at any minute by recalled data throughout the visual and sensory cortex, recovery will take time (HMHL, 2011).  Addicts need to move through the stages of change at their own pace based upon their own intentions and development (Sellman, 2009). New strategies and skills for self-regulation and behavioral & lifestyle modification will be the most important parts of that development.

All forms of therapy get results (Sellman, 2009). Like the law of inertia the addict will need to put apposing energy, time, and work into moving in a new direction. Energy equal to what they put into obsessing about, seeking, and using that which they were addicted too. There is not one answer for all alcoholics and addicts (Sellman, 2009).  A person needs to on one hand find what will work for them, while on the other hand be open and teachable. Programs need to take a person centered, humanistic approach; tailoring treatment plans to address the individual uniquely and holistically to get best results (Sellman, 2009).  Both physical and behavioral co-occurring conditions that acerbate the addiction need to be addressed, (since such a high percentage of addicts have psychiatric and other comorbidity factors) and the continuum of care needs to support recovery for as lengthy a time as possible (Sellman, 2009).  Relapses although not excusable are part of the disease and should be expected as part of recovery. Learning from relapses may be as important as relapse prevention in supporting one on the journey of healing and recovery (Sellman, 2009).  Only when physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs are being met in healthier ways can an addict fully recover from addiction.

The time has come to combine the best evidence based traditional and complimentary medical treatments with therapeutic approaches that reach and support an addict in recovery, meeting them where they are at and helping them make the steps needed to overcome that which enslaves them (HMHL, 2011).  This will only occur as old beliefs and opinions are discarded for the current view on addiction prevention, intervention, treatment and recovery. More providers, caregivers, therapist, social workers, and school counselors etc., that end up being the first point of contact so often for addicts, need to be more aware of intervention skills and open to helping their clients/patients find the resources for help earlier in the addiction cycle (Sellman, 2009).

References

How addiction hijacks the brain. (2011). Harvard Mental Health Letter28(1), 1-3. Retrieved from http://www.health.harvard.edu

Sellman, D. (2009). The 10 most important things known about addiction. Addiction,105, 6-13. doi:10.1111/j.1360-0443.2009.02673.x