Finding Meaning in Loss & Disappointment

Posted on May 22, 2025 by Kevin Brough

Walking Through the Valley: Finding Meaning in All Forms of Loss

When the fabric of your life suddenly tears—whether through death, divorce, job loss, or any fundamental change that disrupts who you thought you were or where you thought you were going—it can feel like wandering into an endless darkness. I know this valley all too well: the contours of grief that stretch into infinity, the fog that clouds everyday moments, the weight that presses upon your chest even when you’re trying to simply breathe.

Grief is not just an emotion; it’s a journey, a process, and sometimes, a brutal teacher. What I’ve come to understand through my own experiences and in supporting others through their losses is that grief isn’t limited to death. We grieve broken dreams, ended relationships, lost health, career changes, children leaving home, friendships that fade, and the thousand small deaths that shape a human life. Grief is the response to any significant loss—anything that changes our understanding of ourselves or our world.

Expanding Our Understanding of Loss

While most of us associate grief with bereavement—the death of someone we love—grief can accompany any event that disrupts our sense of normalcy or challenges our identity. The Cleveland Clinic defines grief as “the experience of coping with loss” that can accompany “any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy or ourselves” (Cleveland Clinic, 2025).

Consider the many forms of loss that can trigger grief:

The death of a loved one or pet
Divorce, separation, or the end of a significant relationship
Loss of health due to illness, disability, or aging
Job loss, retirement, or career changes
Infertility, miscarriage, or reproductive challenges
Children leaving home (empty nest syndrome)
Loss of a home, financial security, or lifestyle
Friendship endings or geographic moves that separate us from community
The diagnosis of a serious illness in ourselves or someone we love
Loss of physical or cognitive abilities
Shattered dreams, goals, or expectations that don’t materialize
Loss of innocence, safety, or worldview following trauma
Changes in someone we love due to addiction, dementia, or mental illness

Each of these losses represents a form of death—the death of what was, what we expected, or what we hoped would be. As HelpGuide notes, “Any loss can cause grief,” and it’s essential to understand that “whatever your loss, it’s personal to you, so don’t feel ashamed about how you feel, or believe that it’s somehow only appropriate to grieve for certain things” (HelpGuide, 2025).

Understanding the Landscape: The Kübler-Ross Model Across All Losses

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross originally developed her five-stage model while working with terminally ill patients, but these stages have since been applied to many forms of loss and change. The stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—provide a framework for understanding our emotional responses to any significant disruption in our lives (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2005).

Denial: The initial shock and disbelief that serves as a protective buffer when unwelcome news first hits. “This can’t be happening.” Whether it’s a cancer diagnosis, a pink slip, or the discovery of a partner’s infidelity, denial helps us cope with information that threatens to overwhelm us.
Anger: The outrage at the unfairness of it all, often directed at others, ourselves, or circumstances beyond our control. “Why is this happening to me?” This might manifest as rage at an ex-spouse, fury at a former employer, or anger at our own body for betraying us.
Bargaining: The desperate negotiation in which we attempt to reverse our loss or regain control. “If only I had…” or “Maybe if I…” We might bargain with God, try to win back an ex-partner, or obsessively research ways to reverse a medical condition.
Depression: The profound sadness that settles in as reality becomes unavoidable. “I can’t bear this.” This might look like mourning the life we thought we’d have, grieving our former identity, or feeling overwhelmed by an uncertain future.
Acceptance: We should not be happy about our loss, but acknowledge reality and find ways to move forward. “I’m ready to live with this new normal.” This might mean rebuilding after divorce, adapting to a new health reality, or creating meaning from career setbacks.

It’s crucial to understand that these stages aren’t linear checkboxes to mark off. We might cycle through several stages in a single day or revisit stages we thought we’d completed months later, triggered by an anniversary, a familiar song, or an unexpected reminder of what we’ve lost.

Beyond the Stages: The Search for Meaning in All Forms of Loss

While the Kübler-Ross model gives us vocabulary for the emotional landscape of loss, Viktor Frankl’s work offers something equally valuable: a pathway forward through any form of suffering. Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist who developed logotherapy, proposed that our primary drive is not for pleasure or power but for meaning.

In “Man’s Search for Meaning,” Frankl wrote about how finding purpose in the most horrific suffering enabled survival in Nazi concentration camps. His insights apply to any form of loss we might face. Frankl identified three ways to find meaning in life: through work, through love, and through suffering (Frankl, 1959/2006).

When we face any significant loss—whether it’s the death of a relationship, the loss of our health, or the shattering of our life plans—we’re often confronted with what Frankl called an “existential vacuum.” This profound emptiness and loss of direction can occur whether we’re grieving a person or the person we thought we were.

In this void, we have the opportunity to choose meaning. This doesn’t minimize our loss or suggest that everything “happens for a reason,” but instead acknowledges our capacity to determine what our suffering will mean to us and how we will carry it forward.

Creating meaning through work: Perhaps you channel your experience with infertility into supporting others facing similar struggles, or your job loss leads you to discover a more fulfilling career path. Your loss becomes the catalyst for meaningful contribution.

Creating meaning through love: Maybe your divorce teaches you about your capacity for resilience and leads to deeper, more authentic relationships. Your experience of loss deepens your ability to connect with and support others.

Creating meaning through suffering: Your illness, financial setback, or family crisis becomes a teacher, showing you strengths you didn’t know you had or clarifying what truly matters in life.

The Road Forward: Insights from M. Scott Peck

In “The Road Less Traveled,” M. Scott Peck offers wisdom that applies to all forms of loss and change. Peck begins with a stark but liberating truth: “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths” (Peck, 1978/2003). Once we accept this reality—rather than expecting life to be easy, fair, or predictable—we’re better equipped to face its inevitable challenges and losses.

Peck emphasizes several principles that serve as companions on any grief journey:

Discipline: All forms of grief require emotional and spiritual discipline. Whether we’re processing a death, divorce, job loss, or health crisis, we must delay the gratification of quick fixes and easy answers, accept responsibility for our healing process, dedicate ourselves to the truth of our experience, and balance confronting our pain with continuing to live.

Love as Action: Peck’s perspective on love is that love is not a feeling but an activity and investment (Peck, 1978/2003). In any form of grief, we continue to express love through remembrance, extending ourselves for others’ growth, and eventually, opening our hearts again despite the risk of future loss.

Grace: Sometimes our healing comes not through our own efforts but through unexpected gifts of insight, connection, or peace that seem to arrive just when needed—whether it’s an unexpected job opportunity after a layoff, a new friendship after a move, or a moment of profound acceptance amid illness.

Navigating Different Types of Grief

Anticipatory Grief

Sometimes we begin grieving before the actual loss occurs. This might happen when we know someone is dying, when we’re facing an inevitable life change like retirement or children leaving home, or when we recognize that a relationship is ending. Anticipatory grief can allow you to prepare for your loss, resolve any unfinished business, or say your goodbyes (HelpGuide, 2025).

Disenfranchised Grief

Some losses aren’t socially recognized or supported, making our grief feel illegitimate. This might include grieving the end of an affair, the loss of an abusive parent (where we think we “should” be sad but instead feel relief), a miscarriage, or a pet’s death. Society may not validate these losses, but they are real and deserve to be honored.

Ambiguous Loss

Sometimes we lose someone who is still physically present but psychologically absent due to dementia, addiction, or severe mental illness. We grieve the person they used to be while navigating a complex relationship with who they’ve become.

Cumulative Grief

Multiple losses occurring close together can compound our grief, making it difficult to process any single loss completely. This might happen during major life transitions when we deal with job changes, moves, health issues, and relationship shifts.

Finding Your Path Through the Valley

Drawing from these frameworks, here are insights for navigating any form of grief:

Validate Your Experience

Your grief is legitimate regardless of what you’ve lost. Whether it’s a death, divorce, job loss, health crisis, or shattered dream, your feelings deserve acknowledgment. Don’t let others minimize your experience or rush your process.

Recognize Grief in Disguise

Sometimes we don’t recognize we’re grieving because the loss wasn’t a death. Feeling sad, angry, or lost after a job change, move, or relationship ending is normal. These are grief responses, and they deserve the same care and attention we’d give to bereavement.

Honor Your Unique Process

Your grief fingerprint is as unique as you are. Some people need to talk, others to be silent. Some need community, others solitude. Some find comfort in rituals, others in activity. There is no “right way” to grieve any type of loss.

Connect with Sources of Meaning

Ask yourself: What can this loss teach me? How might this experience help me grow or serve others? What values or strengths is this crisis revealing? What matters most to me now? As Frankl suggests, meaning can transform suffering from merely endured to purposeful.

Practice Radical Self-Compassion

Grief can bring waves of unexpected emotion—guilt about feeling relieved after a complicated relationship ends, anger at ourselves for not preventing a loss, fear about an uncertain future. These feelings are not failures but natural responses to significant life changes.

Seek Appropriate Support

Not everyone can handle the reality of grief, regardless of its source. Find those who can sit with you in your pain without trying to fix or rush you through it. Professional counselors who understand loss, support groups for your specific type of grief, and spiritual advisors can offer invaluable guidance.

Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

We live in a culture that’s more comfortable with certain types of grief than others. Allow yourself to grieve whatever you’ve lost, even if others don’t understand. Your loss matters because it mattered to you.

The Unexpected Gifts of All Forms of Grief

While there is nothing positive about loss itself, the journey through grief, regardless of its source, can yield unexpected gifts:

Deeper compassion for others facing similar losses
Clarified values about what truly matters in life
Increased resilience and confidence in your ability to survive difficulty
Greater appreciation for what remains in your life
Stronger connections with others who understand your experience
Personal growth and self-discovery that might not have occurred otherwise
Spiritual development and a more profound understanding of life’s meaning

Living with Integrated Grief

The goal of moving through grief isn’t to “get over” your loss but to integrate it into the new person you’re becoming. Whether you’ve lost a person, a relationship, health, a job, or a dream, that loss becomes part of your story. The question isn’t how to forget or minimize what you’ve lost, but how to carry it forward to honor its significance while allowing you to continue growing.

Psychologists now speak of “continuing bonds” rather than “letting go”—the idea that we don’t sever connections with what we’ve lost but rather transform them. This applies to all forms of loss. You might carry forward the lessons learned from a failed relationship, the values instilled by a job that shaped you, or the perspective gained from a health crisis.

Conclusion: Grief as Universal Teacher

Loss is the price we pay for having loved, hoped, dreamed, and invested ourselves in life. Every connection we make, goal, and identity we embrace carries within it the seeds of potential loss. This isn’t a flaw in the system—it’s the system itself.

Grief teaches us that we are resilient enough to love despite the risk of loss. It shows us what matters most when everything else is stripped away. It connects us to our deepest humanity and others who have walked similar paths.

As Frankl observed, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstances” (Frankl, 1959/2006). This freedom applies to every form of loss we might face.

Peck reminds us that growth comes through confronting life’s difficulties, not avoiding them (Peck, 1978/2003). Every loss we face—death, divorce, illness, job loss, or shattered expectations—offers the opportunity for transformation.

The journey through grief isn’t about returning to who we were before our loss. It’s about discovering who we can become because of it. Honoring what we’ve lost while choosing to continue growing creates meaning from suffering and transforms our pain into purpose.

Whatever form your grief takes, remember that it is both an ending and a beginning. It marks not just what you’ve lost, but who you’re becoming in response to that loss. And in that becoming lies both the challenge and the promise of being fully human.

Kevin Brough – Ascend Counseling & Wellness – Ascendcw.com – 435.688.1111

References

Cleveland Clinic. (2025, March 19). Grief: What it is, symptoms, and how to cope. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning. Beacon Press. (Original work published 1959)

HelpGuide. (2025, March 13). Coping with grief and loss: Stages of grief and how to heal. HelpGuide. https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss

Kessler, D. (2019). Finding meaning: The sixth stage of grief. Scribner.

Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (Eds.). (1996). Continuing bonds: New understandings of grief. Taylor & Francis.

Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.

Peck, M. S. (2003). The road less traveled: A new psychology of love, traditional values, and spiritual growth (25th anniversary ed.). Touchstone. (Original work published 1978)

Tyrrell, P., Harberger, S., & Schoo, C. (2023). Kubler-Ross stages of dying and subsequent models of grief. StatPearls Publishing.

Treatment to Thriving / How to make it Happen

Posted on May 15, 2025 by Kevin Brough

From Treatment to Thriving: Essential Practices for a Balanced Recovery Transition

The transition from residential treatment or an intensive outpatient program back into everyday life can feel overwhelming. You’ve done the hard work of getting sober, learning new coping skills, and perhaps discovering parts of yourself you’d forgotten existed. Now comes the equally important challenge of creating a sustainable recovery lifestyle that honors all aspects of your well-being.

Recovery isn’t just about abstaining from substances—it’s about building a life so fulfilling that you don’t want to escape from it. This requires a holistic approach that addresses your biological, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. Here are evidence-based practices to help you create balance as you step back into life.

Daily Practices for Physical Healing

Nutrition as Medicine

Your body is still healing from the effects of substance use. Food can be your ally in this process:

Start your day with protein: A protein-rich breakfast helps stabilize blood sugar and supports steady energy throughout the day
Eat regular meals: Skipping meals can trigger mood swings and cravings
Stay hydrated: Aim for half your body weight in ounces of water daily
Limit sugar and processed foods: These can cause energy crashes and mood instability

Daily Practice: Plan and prep your meals the night before. This reduces decision fatigue and ensures you’re nourishing your body consistently.

Strategic Supplementation

While whole foods should be your primary source of nutrients, certain supplements can support your recovery:

B-vitamins: Essential for nervous system health and energy production
Magnesium: Supports sleep, reduces anxiety, and aids muscle recovery
Omega-3 fatty acids: Reduce inflammation and support brain health
Probiotics: Support gut health, which is increasingly linked to mental health
Amino Acids: The building blocks or precursors to Neurotransmitters

Consult with a healthcare provider before starting any supplement regimen.

Movement as Medicine

Exercise is one of the most powerful tools in recovery. It naturally boosts mood, reduces stress, and improves sleep quality:

Find what you enjoy: Whether it’s walking, yoga, swimming, or weightlifting, consistency matters more than intensity
Start small: Even 10 minutes of movement counts
Use it as a coping tool: When cravings or difficult emotions arise, try moving your body first

Daily Practice: Commit to 20-30 minutes of intentional movement. This could be a morning walk, an evening yoga session, or a midday strength workout.

Mental and Emotional Wellness Practices

Cognitive Behavioral Strategies

The thoughts → feelings → behaviors cycle continues to play out in recovery. Use these tools daily:

Identify your triggers: Keep a trigger log to identify patterns
Challenge negative thoughts: Ask yourself, “Is this thought helpful? Is it true? What would I tell a friend in this situation?”
Practice gratitude: Write down three things you’re grateful for each day

Daily Practice: Set aside 10 minutes each morning for a mental health check-in. How are you feeling? What thoughts are prominent? What support do you need today?

Emotional Regulation Techniques

Learning to feel your feelings without using substances is a cornerstone of recovery:

The RAIN technique: Recognize, Allow, Investigate, and Nurture difficult emotions
Emotional surfing: Visualize difficult emotions as waves that rise, peak, and naturally fall
Progressive muscle relaxation: Systematically tense and release muscle groups to reduce physical tension

Daily Practice: Practice one emotional regulation technique when you feel overwhelmed or triggered.

Dialectic Behavior Therapy: Skill Building to Increase Mindfulness, Tolerating Distress, and Improving Emotional Regulation, to have better interpersonal effectiveness!

Building and Maintaining Connections

Addiction thrives in isolation, but recovery flourishes in connection:

Daily check-ins: Text or call someone in your support network
Practice vulnerability: Share honestly with trusted friends or family members
Set healthy boundaries: It’s okay to say no or limit contact with people who don’t support your recovery

Spiritual Practices for Meaning and Purpose

Mindfulness and Meditation

These practices help you stay present and develop a healthier relationship with your thoughts:

Start with just 5 minutes: Use apps like Headspace or Insight Timer, or simply focus on your breath
Practice mindful eating: Pay attention to the taste, texture, and experience of your food
Take mindful breaks: Throughout the day, pause and take three conscious breaths

Daily Practice: Set a consistent time for meditation, even if it’s just for a few minutes. Consistency is more important than duration.

Connection to Something Greater

This doesn’t have to be religious—it could be nature, humanity, or your own values:

Spend time in nature: Even a few minutes outside can shift your perspective
Practice service: Helping others gets you out of your own head and provides perspective
Explore your values: What matters most to you? How can you align your actions with these values?

Daily Practice: Take time each day to connect with something larger than yourself, whether through prayer, time in nature, or acts of service.

Weekly Practices for Long-Term Balance

Structured Support

Attend meetings: Whether AA, NA, SMART Recovery, or another support group
Therapy appointments: Continue individual or group therapy even after leaving treatment
Recovery coaching: Consider working with a recovery coach for additional accountability

Routine and Stability

Consistent sleep schedule: Go to bed and wake up at the same time each day
Weekly planning: Spend Sunday evening planning the upcoming week
Self-care activities: Schedule non-negotiable time for activities that nurture your wellbeing

Monitoring and Adjustment

Weekly recovery check-ins: Assess what’s working and what needs adjustment
PAWS awareness: Be mindful of Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome symptoms and plan accordingly
Relapse prevention planning: Regularly review and update your relapse prevention plan

Creating Your Personal Recovery Toolkit

Remember the HALT acronym from treatment: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. These states are particularly vulnerable for people in recovery. Address them proactively:

Hungry: Keep healthy snacks available
Angry: Have a list of healthy ways to express anger (exercise, journaling, talking to a friend)
Lonely: Create a list of people you can call and activities you can do
Tired: Prioritize sleep hygiene and rest

The Path Forward

Recovery is not about perfection—it’s about progress. Some days will be easier than others, and that’s normal. Having a toolkit of practices you can rely on when life gets challenging is key.

As you transition from treatment back into life, remember that your recovery is a priority, not a luxury. These practices aren’t just healthy activities but essential components of a sustainable recovery lifestyle.

Start with one or two practices that resonate with you most and gradually build from there. Your recovery journey is unique, and finding what works best for your individual needs takes time and experimentation.

Recovery is possible, and you deserve to live a life of balance, purpose, and joy. Take it one day at a time, one practice at a time, and trust in your ability to create the life you truly want.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / 435.688.1111

Remember: If you’re struggling or having thoughts of using, reach out for help immediately. The SAMHSA National Helpline (1-800-662-HELP) is available 24/7, as are local crisis hotlines in your area.

DBT Skills and Recovery

Posted on May 8, 2025 by Kevin Brough

DBT Skills and Recovery: Finding Serenity Through Acceptance and Change

When we look at the landscape of addiction recovery, one truth becomes increasingly clear: the paths that lead to substance use are rarely straightforward. In my years working with clients at CravingRecovery, I’ve observed a profound pattern that research consistently confirms — the high prevalence of trauma histories among those struggling with addiction.

Studies show that up to two-thirds of people with substance use disorders report experiencing trauma during their lifetime. This isn’t coincidental. Trauma and addiction are often intertwined in a complex relationship where substances become a maladaptive coping mechanism for unbearable emotional pain.

The Trauma-Addiction Connection

For many of my clients, substances initially served as a solution, not a problem. Alcohol numbed the flashbacks. Opioids dulled the hypervigilance. Stimulants provided an escape from the emotional numbness. What began as self-medication evolved into dependency, adding another layer of suffering to already wounded lives.

Recovery, then, cannot focus solely on abstinence. True healing requires addressing the underlying trauma that drives the desire to escape through substances. This is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has proven to be remarkably effective, particularly because its fundamental philosophy aligns beautifully with the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer that many of us know from 12-step programs:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

The Dialectic of Acceptance and Change

The very name “Dialectical Behavior Therapy” points to its core principle: holding two seemingly opposite truths simultaneously. In recovery, we must accept ourselves exactly as we are while working toward change. This dialectic mirrors the essence of the Serenity Prayer — discerning between what must be accepted and what can be changed.

For trauma survivors in recovery, this dialectic is life-changing. The past cannot be changed. The trauma happened. No amount of substances will erase that reality. Yet how we relate to our past, cope with triggers, and build our future — these things are within our power to change.

Let’s explore how the four core skills of DBT align with recovery principles and support healing from both trauma and addiction:

Mindfulness: Present-Moment Awareness

DBT defines mindfulness as non-judgmental awareness of the present moment, including thoughts and emotions. For trauma survivors, being present can be terrifying. The mind has learned to time-travel — either ruminating on past traumas or anxiously anticipating future threats.

Substances offer a counterfeit present, a chemical shortcut that bypasses the difficult work of genuine presence. Recovery asks us to stay, be here now, and feel what arises without judgment.

When my clients practice mindfulness, they begin to recognize that cravings, like trauma triggers, are temporary states. By observing urges without automatically acting on them, they develop “response flexibility” — the space between stimulus and response where freedom lives.

The mindfulness component of DBT teaches us to accept the present moment exactly as it is, echoing the first part of the Serenity Prayer. We cannot change what we feel in this instant, but we can change how we respond.

Distress Tolerance: Weathering Emotional Storms

For those with trauma histories, emotional distress can feel catastrophic. The intensity of emotions connected to traumatic memories often exceeds normal coping capacities. Substances become a way to avoid this unbearable distress.

DBT’s distress tolerance skills offer healthier alternatives for crisis survival. Techniques like TIPP (Temperature change, Intense exercise, Paced breathing, Progressive muscle relaxation) help regulate the nervous system when triggered. Radical acceptance — fully accepting reality without fighting against it — helps clients stop suffering by rejecting what cannot be changed.

One client described her realization: “I spent years trying to drink away my past. DBT taught me that I can tolerate the pain of my memories without destroying myself in the process.”

Distress tolerance embodies the “serenity to accept the things I cannot change” portion of the prayer. We cannot change that distress will occur in life, especially during recovery, but we can learn to ride the waves without drowning.

Emotion Regulation: Changing Unwanted Emotions

While some emotions must simply be tolerated, others can be modified. DBT’s emotion regulation skills teach clients to identify, understand, and influence their emotional responses.

For trauma survivors, emotions often feel uncontrollable and overwhelming. Many turn to substances precisely because they lack the tools for emotional management. Learning to name emotions, identify their triggers, and implement strategies to reduce vulnerability creates a sense of agency that substances falsely promise.

In recovery, emotion regulation skills help manage the feelings that arise when substances are removed. They also address the emotional dysregulation that often accompanies trauma, reducing reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms.

This component represents the “courage to change the things I can” aspect of the Serenity Prayer. We can change how we relate to emotions, express them, and often, how intensely we experience them.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: Healing Relationships

Trauma and addiction both take a severe toll on relationships. Many clients struggle with trust, boundaries, and communication, essential for healthy connections with others.

DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness skills provide concrete strategies for expressing needs, setting boundaries, and maintaining self-respect during conflicts. These skills are crucial in recovery, where rebuilding relationships and creating healthy support systems can make the difference between sustained sobriety and relapse.

For trauma survivors, interpersonal effectiveness also means learning to trust others and themselves again. It means recognizing when relationships are safe and when they’re dangerous. It means courageously being vulnerable in appropriate contexts while maintaining firm boundaries with others.

This skill set embodies acceptance (we cannot control others’ responses) and change (we can modify how we communicate and what relationships we nurture).

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

Perhaps the most profound part of the Serenity Prayer, and the most challenging aspect of recovery, is developing “the wisdom to know the difference” between what we must accept and what we can change.

For my clients with co-occurring trauma and substance use disorders, this discernment doesn’t come easily. Trauma distorts perception, making everything feel either completely within or entirely beyond one’s control. Substances further cloud this judgment.

DBT provides a framework for developing this wisdom. Through mindfulness, clients learn to see reality more clearly. Through distress tolerance, they discover what must be accepted. Through emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness, they learn what can be changed.

Over time, this dialectical approach — accepting reality while working toward change — becomes internalized. The wisdom becomes intuitive rather than intellectual.

The Recovery Journey: Acceptance and Change

Recovery isn’t linear. For those healing from both trauma and addiction, there will be setbacks, triggers, and moments when old coping mechanisms feel irresistible. This must be accepted without judgment while maintaining a commitment to change.

What makes DBT so valuable in this journey is its balanced approach. It doesn’t demand immediate transformation. It acknowledges suffering while offering practical tools for growth. It meets clients where they are while guiding them toward where they want to be.

In my practice, I’ve witnessed remarkable transformations when clients embrace this dialectic. A young woman who used alcohol to numb childhood trauma developed the capacity to sit with painful memories without drinking. A middle-aged man who used opioids to cope with combat-related PTSD learned to recognize triggers and implement alternatives to using.

These journeys weren’t easy or perfect. There were relapses and difficult days. However, through consistent practice of DBT skills, these individuals developed what the Serenity Prayer seeks: serenity amid difficulty, courage amid fear, and wisdom amid confusion.

Bringing It All Together

If you’re struggling with both trauma and substance use, know that you’re not alone. The connection between these challenges is well-established, and there are evidence-based approaches that address both simultaneously.

DBT offers a comprehensive framework that aligns beautifully with recovery principles. By developing skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness, you can heal from trauma while maintaining sobriety.

At the heart of this approach is the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer—learning to discern between what must be accepted and what can be changed. This discernment isn’t achieved overnight. It’s developed through practice, community support, and compassionate self-reflection.

At Craving Recovery & in my private practice at Ascend Counseling and Wellness, we incorporate DBT skills into our comprehensive treatment approach precisely because we recognize the prevalence of trauma among those seeking recovery from substance use. We understand that addressing both is essential for lasting healing.

Whether you’re early in your recovery journey or well along the path, consider how the dialectic of acceptance and change might support your healing. Like the Serenity Prayer, DBT reminds us that true peace comes not from controlling everything or from surrendering to everything but from the wisdom to know the difference.

If you or someone you love is struggling with co-occurring trauma and substance use disorders, reach out to us at Ascend Counseling and Wellness. Our trauma-informed approach integrates DBT skills with evidence-based addiction treatment to support comprehensive healing.

Kevin Brough / Ascend Counseling and Wellness / 435-688-1111

Couples and Addiction Recovery

Posted on May 1, 2025 by Kevin Brough

Breaking the Mold: How Couples Therapy Can Transform Addiction Recovery

For too long, couples affected by addiction have been told to put their relationship on hold while focusing exclusively on individual recovery. As someone who has personally navigated the arduous journey of addiction and recovery, both in my own life and through decades of professional work with couples, I’ve seen firsthand how this approach leaves relationships vulnerable during the most critical transition periods.

I’m thrilled to share that I’ve recently completed the Gottman Couples and Addiction Recovery program certification. This groundbreaking approach represents a paradigm shift in how we support couples affected by addiction, and it’s already transforming how I work with clients at Ascend Counseling and Wellness.

The Three Recoveries Happening Simultaneously

What makes the Gottman approach revolutionary is its recognition that there are three distinct but interconnected recovery processes happening at once:

The recovery of the person with a substance use disorder
The recovery of the partner from the trauma and impact of addiction
The recovery of the relationship itself

Traditional treatment models focus almost exclusively on the first recovery while neglecting the other two. Partners are often directed to support groups but told to essentially put their relationship needs on hold. The problem? Relationships don’t pause during recovery. Without support, many don’t survive this critical transition.

Beyond “Codependency”: A More Nuanced Approach

One concept I particularly value in this approach is the distinction between unhealthy “codependency” and healthy “interdependency.” The term codependency has often carried negative connotations, suggesting that partners somehow enable addiction through their need for the relationship.

Rather than labeling partners as “codependent,” the Gottman approach helps couples identify specific behaviors that may unintentionally support addiction, while strengthening the healthy interdependence that supports recovery. This focus on boundaries, not barriers—staying connected while respecting each person’s recovery needs—creates a foundation for healing together.

Practical Tools for Recovery as a Team

The program provides several specialized interventions for couples in recovery:

Breaking through denial together through structured exercises
Conflict management skills specific to recovery challenges
Recovery card decks that help couples discuss complex topics like trust and boundaries
Development of individual and shared recovery rituals that support both sobriety and connection

Throughout the process, couples create what we call a “relationship recovery”—a new way of being together defined not by addiction but by mutual support, understanding, and growth.

Who Can Benefit?

This approach can help various couples affected by addiction:

Couples where one or both partners are in early recovery
Couples transitioning home after one partner completes treatment
Couples in longer-term recovery who still feel relationship damage
Couples impacted by behavioral addictions like gambling or sexual compulsion
Even couples where active addiction is still present, but there’s a readiness to change

My Personal Connection

This approach resonates deeply with me because of my own recovery journey. Having worked in recovery since 2002, after experiencing addiction from 14 to 19 years old and then again in my late thirties, I’ve seen the devastation addiction causes to trust and relationships.

My wife Tina and I navigated this difficult transition ourselves and are approaching forty years of marriage. I know firsthand that relationships can not only survive but thrive after addiction, but they need the proper support at the right time.

Take the First Step

If addiction has impacted your relationship, you don’t have to wait to start healing together. The earliest stages of recovery are actually when relationship support is most critical.

To schedule an appointment, call our Ascend Counseling and Wellness office at 435-688-1111 or email me directly at kevin@ascendcw.com.

Recovery as a couple is possible—and it can start today.